???

I have been dwelling on this thought for too long, maybe it's best if I allow the words to spill like water from my fingers.

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Like the desk in our living room and the side of my bed in the morning, my mind holds a huge mess that needs decluttering. The pile of unsorted thoughts have been interrupting my daily routine, popping out of nowhere and distracting me every second it can. I am enraged and overwhelmed by this, because I get detached from reality faster than lightning.

A few years ago, I have never thought my life would end up like this. And it's quite hard to explain whatever "this is". Only that it is an intense feeling of wanting my ideals to happen to me, and most of the time, this certain feeling leads me to utter disappointment despite the fact that I have already seen it coming (and I could have avoided it, but didn't). 

This brings us to my main problem. Apparently, I am one of those "I only go for boys I'll never have a chance" kind of people (and am hoping that this is only a phase). This is kind of good and a whole of bad, actually. I've narrowed down some pros and cons about this certain agenda, with hopes that the answer might come to me while I introspect. 

Pros:

• Being this sort of person helps fending off unwanted and ungenuine intentions from other people (boys). 
• It keeps me striving hard for my own ideals. Because y'know, ideals are hard (and almost impossible) to achieve. 
• It is kind of like an inspiration for some reason. Wanting to be better isn't really a bad thing. 

Cons:

• Being this sort of person sunders me away from reality, which is kind of like a big deal (to some people maybe).
• It gives me endless amount of disappointments, because it is what it is. And whatever I want to happen, will never be. 
• Apart from being an inspiration, it is also a path of self-destruction. Wanting to be better is not a bad thing, but having the wrong reasons is a whole new discussion. 

That is all for now. 

Basically, all I'm saying is that I don't know how to deal with this. And as much as I try to deny it, there is no doubt that I'm dying to get through this whole phase/problem/whateverthisis(!!!), because honestly it has been causing some troubles for me. Other than that, having to deal with myself gets harder each time I fall into an unrealistic depth of someone who will never (probably) or unlikely ever know me at all. 

That is the sad reality of being me. And somehow it's beautiful how my mind works like that, I guess. It is so powerful that whenever it decides to like someone, (despite who he is) it tries to build this bridge to get across. Even if it already knows how hopeless it already is in the first place. 

I'd like to ask for an explanation, be it scientific or whatever. Tell me, if you do know or have any idea. Also, if you know how to get rid of this, or at least cure it in a way, then please tell me.

2013 Christmas Wishlist

It's that time of the year!

The Comeback

Whoa, it has been a pretty long while since I've posted anything on here. I wonder if anyone actually noticed, but nonetheless, I AM ALIVE. So far, a lot has been going on with my life. But not too much to keep me from the internet life, apparently. It would take a long ass post if I  tell you everything, so maybe I should just summarize all of it up. Y'know, focus on the highlights maybe.

One. I'm glad to say that my "social" life has blossomed slowly, but surely and rather eagerly over the days. It is amazing how the people you meet could influence you out of your usual comfort zone. The lonely weekends and weekdays--I hope--are over, and I don't think I have ever been so thankful. Friendships have gotten stronger, and some got weaker. It's sad and both happy at the same time. But at the end of the day, it is what it is. 

Two. The last time I checked, my fangirl-ism over One Direction had turned down a notch. I guess that's a good thing (also kinda not good since it means I'm almost over them, and I still love them I guess but not as much anymore??). Anyway, they'll always be the bae boyband <3

Three. It finally came to me. I need to take care of myself. Life (or my life, at least) isn't just about having my world revolve around unattainable people, there are so many things I should actually invest myself into (!!!). And I'm amazed by how left out I am. (e.g.: girl stuff, clothes, shoes!!) So maybe I'll make it a sort of resolution to let myself experience the feeling of luxury for a change.

Four. My. confidence. should. not. be. at. this. very. low. level. Certain people has come into my life and helped me realize that. Honestly, I don't think I'd ever figure it out soon enough by myself. So this is to giving it another try, and to a whole new year full of positivity and uplifting my own self. +++Self-Esteem and Confidence!

Five. I gotta learn to let go, man. It's hard when you're quite a sentimental person, but when things begin to wear out and drift apart, then it's time to let it be. I've realized a lot about friendships this year. I won't put it down one by one, but let me just say, even the longest ones tend to become brittle and break. I don't know, some things are just not the same anymore and it feels not right being around. I mean, some are just not even worth mending at all anymore.

Lastly. I don't know if they're aware yet, but these girls

are so truly, fricking, madly amazing. It's hard to believe that I've received the privilege to spend my days and time with them, because they are just fricking fantastic. And that's all I can say.

Have truly Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, everybody!