???

I have been dwelling on this thought for too long, maybe it's best if I allow the words to spill like water from my fingers.

(read more)

Like the desk in our living room and the side of my bed in the morning, my mind holds a huge mess that needs decluttering. The pile of unsorted thoughts have been interrupting my daily routine, popping out of nowhere and distracting me every second it can. I am enraged and overwhelmed by this, because I get detached from reality faster than lightning.

A few years ago, I have never thought my life would end up like this. And it's quite hard to explain whatever "this is". Only that it is an intense feeling of wanting my ideals to happen to me, and most of the time, this certain feeling leads me to utter disappointment despite the fact that I have already seen it coming (and I could have avoided it, but didn't). 

This brings us to my main problem. Apparently, I am one of those "I only go for boys I'll never have a chance" kind of people (and am hoping that this is only a phase). This is kind of good and a whole of bad, actually. I've narrowed down some pros and cons about this certain agenda, with hopes that the answer might come to me while I introspect. 

Pros:

• Being this sort of person helps fending off unwanted and ungenuine intentions from other people (boys). 
• It keeps me striving hard for my own ideals. Because y'know, ideals are hard (and almost impossible) to achieve. 
• It is kind of like an inspiration for some reason. Wanting to be better isn't really a bad thing. 

Cons:

• Being this sort of person sunders me away from reality, which is kind of like a big deal (to some people maybe).
• It gives me endless amount of disappointments, because it is what it is. And whatever I want to happen, will never be. 
• Apart from being an inspiration, it is also a path of self-destruction. Wanting to be better is not a bad thing, but having the wrong reasons is a whole new discussion. 

That is all for now. 

Basically, all I'm saying is that I don't know how to deal with this. And as much as I try to deny it, there is no doubt that I'm dying to get through this whole phase/problem/whateverthisis(!!!), because honestly it has been causing some troubles for me. Other than that, having to deal with myself gets harder each time I fall into an unrealistic depth of someone who will never (probably) or unlikely ever know me at all. 

That is the sad reality of being me. And somehow it's beautiful how my mind works like that, I guess. It is so powerful that whenever it decides to like someone, (despite who he is) it tries to build this bridge to get across. Even if it already knows how hopeless it already is in the first place. 

I'd like to ask for an explanation, be it scientific or whatever. Tell me, if you do know or have any idea. Also, if you know how to get rid of this, or at least cure it in a way, then please tell me.