Away, away I go

This is about all the times I've failed to do the most important thing in friendship: being there. 

I guess now, I can officially say that I'm one of those people who(m?) are really bad at keeping friends. It's ironic though, because friendships are so important to me yet I keep failing at taking care of it. Somehow, I always have a tendency to forget and then feel neglected after. It's sad to say that I'm at fault most of the time because I keep forgetting, but it doesn't mean that I don't try not to.

Try. Try. Try. Try not to forget. 

It's as if my brain's programmed to temporarily block the important things from my brain and indulge me with things that aren't so important at all. I don't know why it happens, but it always does. And I've been keeping myself reminded that, out there, I have friends. And those friends are going to need me, too. One day, they're going to come to me and ask for something. And I have to help them in whatever way I can.

But then I forget. I just keep on forgetting again and again, it's so frustrating. God, or whoever/whatever it is up there, only knows how much I try to be the friend. But I keep making mistakes, and the mistakes would just keep piling up until I'm nothing but the worst friend ever. 

So I'm sorry, for not being there to do you a favor or answer your questions, or share to you my thoughts or flail with you about this guy you met a day ago.

I honestly can't be the friend, but I'm trying as hard as I can. 

STEADFAST HAPPINESS

A SERIES OF RANTS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE DESULTORY

My mind is rolling full-steam ahead, to the depths of bad thoughts that keep me from the feeling any form of exaltation. It seems as if my life is always this incomplete puzzle that keeps on changing ever so often. I try to find and place the pieces to where it belongs, but there's always this one tiny piece that keeps disappearing when I need it the most. The puzzle of a life alters into a different state and I start all over again.

I never stop. I just keep looking and looking for that certain puzzle, but it vanishes just before I get the chance to catch a glimpse of it.

Steadfast happiness.

Is there even such a thing? Whether there is or isn't, I'm trying to find it. Always hoping that maybe one day, when I wake up or after having my breakfast, I'd realise how much I deserve to feel so much appreciated by everyone around me and most importantly, myself. I hope one day, I'll wake up loving myself as much as I could, and to be able to think that I deserve better.

But for now, all there is to do is wait.

1) I can't stop thinking about what other people feel and think when the words just start to slip out of my mouth, when I spill my heart out and take a chance on them. Did they really want to take a chance on me? Or were they just feeling obliged to reciprocate my actions? There really isn't any reason for me not to try, be kind and enunciate friendship, unless I don't get one's vibe. But it seems like there are so many reasons for other people not to create some sort friendship with me. Not that I'm implying who's kinder and who's less kind.

It's just so hard for me to understand, and I swear to god I have a point here. It's just my thoughts aren't really in the most organised state as of now, everything is just everywhere. I'm going to get there somehow.

2) And it's not that I ask for empathy or sympathy, I just need to let it out. This form of inferiority that's running through my bones and very existence isn't exactly helping with me, expressing myself. Because I'm honestly scared, scared of everything ending on such short notice. I'm so scared of the fact that everything is and will always be temporary and half-true. But that's life, so I face it with my chin up and feet on the ground.

3) People aren't always going to like me. Not in all the ways I want them to. So I try, and try and try to depict this seemingly perfect version of me. And expected, I'd always fail and turn into this imperfect person with a lot of insecurities and a lot of wants in life with less goals. I never tell anyone this because they'd think I'm so two-faced bitch who doesn't deserve their time of day. Surely, I'm not.

I just always try to make it all easy for them (even if it means, making it hard for myself)

4) In my 17 years of living, no one else has ever told me to "just take it easy on myself" and that "it's okay not to put other people's sake before mine" but myself. But who listens to their own advice?

The cycle just repeats itself again. And I'm always just on the look-out for that one feeling, or thing, or place, or person that'll assure me that everything's going to be okay regardless of the inconstant world and life. At the time, I'm still doing it.

I'm still doing it.

I'm still putting other people first before me. I don't know if I'm doing everything right or even remotely okay. I just need a little guidance. An act of kindness would do.

I need someone who'll listen.

ANNA, LOLA, AND THEIR BOYS

Anna is looking forward to her senior year in Atlanta, where she has a great job, a loyal best friend, and a crush on the verge of becoming more. Which is why she is less than thrilled about being shipped off to boarding school in Paris--until she meets Étienne St. Clair. Smart, charming,beautiful, Étienne has it all...including a serious girlfriend. 
But in the City of Light, wishes have a way of coming true. Will a year of romantic near-misses end with their long-awaited French kiss?

★★★★★ out of 5 stars!!

The result to being 85% out of the loop from the internet world? Reread the books from 2012 and give it a proper review! 

And so, my second journey with Anna Oliphant to Paris started at mid-day yesterday. It was nice to refresh my memory of her burning hatred for her Father who, eventually, sold-out after writing Nicholas Spark-ish books. Truthfully, I have this certain empathy for Anna as I feel the same way (with my own father, of course but that's not the point). 

First of all, I'd like to congratulate Miss Stephanie Perkins for choosing the most perfect settings. If you're wondering, Paris or France is my number one most favourite place in the world although I haven't been there really. 

When Anna and St. Clair crossed paths (or bumped paths I don't know), there was this tiny spark that ignited inside me. It must have been the feelings because until now, I still can't stop swooning about the two. Regardless of the fact that St. Clair is sort of cocky (even for his height) and a little too friendly, he was undeniably perfect for Anna. To be quite honest, I don't exactly consider their relationship extraordinary but admit it! You were pissed at St. Clair and you were pissed at Anna for being so...emotionally indecisive. And with regards to Anna's wonderful penchant for making movie reviews, I am just in awe by her passion. Even if she isn't really real, I could feel how much she likes loves what she does. And St. Claire, too, for being ever so supportive of her. I love how they both conquered their fears, how they thought they were all alone when in fact, they had each other all the time.

All in all, I've embraced these two and their story together, and are some of my most favourite fictional characters along with Lola and Cricket. 

Budding designer Lola Nolan doesn't believe in fashion...she believes in costume. The more expressive the outfit--more sparkly, more fun, more wild--the better. But even though Lola’s style is outrageous, she’s a devoted daughter and friend with some big plans for the future. And everything is pretty perfect (right down to her hot rocker boyfriend) until the dreaded Bell twins, Calliope and Cricket, return to the neighborhood.

When Cricket--a gifted inventor--steps out from his twin sister’s shadow and back into Lola’s life, she must finally reconcile a lifetime of feelings for the boy next door.

★★★★★ out of 5 stars!!

I only have four words to express my intense emotions towards this novel: CRICKET. GRAHAM. FREAKING. BELL

A little back-story about when my friend (Fiel) recommended me this book, I started to read it before Anna and the French Kiss. 

I know, I know! And I'm sorry! I didn't realise I was reading the wrong book until Lola mentioned Anna and St. Clair, so I was like ".......ok I should read that one first" and I did!! So no harm done, I wasn't even far into the book. Okay, moving on.

To be quite honest, there was a bit of hesitation when I was about to start reading Lola and The Boy Next Door. It was probably because of the book cover. There is no way Cricket looks like that, I know it. But all doubts disappeared as soon as Lola introduced her two Fathers and her dog, Heavens to Betsy. (How could I not love them?!)

Then came the next door boy genius *slash* inventor Cricket Graham Bell, who basically almost ruined Lola's life back when she was 16 (?). What the Bell twins did was undeniably harsh, for sure. But come on, pinstriped pants? All is forgiven. I just love, love, love how Lola and Cricket balance each other out. They're both such talented people, and have the perfect chemistry. Cricket being quite geeky allowed me to imagine him as this 6'2 tall, lanky bodied guy who walks around wearing a shirt that isn't too short nor too long for his lean body. (ABSOLUTELY NOT THE GUY IN THE BOOK COVER, Sorry Stephanie P. I love you but he is just not the Cricket for me)

Lola, on the other hand, reminds me of Ramona Flowers with her colourful wigs and peculiar costumes. And her name or nickname just fits perfectly. It is so her. What I didn't like about Lola was that she was trying so hard to (I don't know how to say it exactly but I'll go with) save her relationship with Max, when you can clearly see from the start that there was no hope in there. He was freaking 22 and obviously had other better things to do with his band. On the upside, I do like his taste in music! (of course, Cam. He's in a freaking band, what do you expect??)  But still, I wanted to kick him in and crush his nutsack when he attacked Lola for being a Liar. From the moment she mentioned Max, I knew he wasn't going be someone I'd like. He purposely ignores Lola's best friend, Lindsey. How can you not dislike him?!

Anyway despite my apparent loathing towards Max, I loved the book entirely. Cricket and Lola's love story is one of my favourites. 

I am 9128731983712893% recommending you to read the first two. Also, Isla and The Happily Ever After is coming out soon!! So expect a review filled with GIFS and more graphics to express my feels!

LIFE SCOUT BADGES

Now, it is time for part 2 of my Life Scout Badges post! (Because I really need to make up for all those days I haven't been posting and such.)

BIRTHDAY PARTY BADGE

I remember my birthday celebration last year. It was one of the funnest since I didn't expect a lot of people to show up, but they did! And we had so much fun, just talking and reminiscing about the good ol' days. 

It's been so long since we've bonded this good.

MUSIC VIDEO BADGE

Okay. [inhales] This was one of those spur-of-the-moment thing, because Lady GaGa was in the country and I was feeling really bad that my sister and I weren't able to go. So I did this...still no regrets up to this day.

Yeah. That's me...MOVING ON.

PIANO BADGE

 

Back in grade school, my Mom decided to let us take Piano lessons and it lasted for about a year and a half until my brother and I started faking getting colds because our Piano proctors were wearing our fingers out. I mean, we were only 9 to 11-year-olds. We wanted to play but no, because we had piano sessions. So eventually, my Mom took the hint, although we still play the piano up to this day! Maybe I'll post a short video of me playing a short piece sometime.

PET-OWNING BADGE

Approximately 4 months ago, a cute and tubby puppy came running around our living room with his little tail wagging around. He was about a month old that time and a bit shy to his new home but regardless of that, he was still so hyperactive.

This was him a month later.

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And that is all for the part 2 of my Life Scout Badges post! There'll be more, probably.

PERSONALITIES

The past few days have been spent dragging myself through school because none of it is making sense lately. This is probably part of the existential crisis I'm having at the moment. Anyway! Apart from trying to convince myself that I'm on the right path to a good life, I have also been checking out these Personality Tests and Facts. 

MYERS BRIGGS TEST

KEYS TO COGNITION

PERSONALITY TYPES

PERSONALITY TEST SITE

I actually found out a lot about myself although I don't exactly rely on tests, but this helped out a lot in determining some things that were unknown to me before. 

So that's about it for now, I've a lot to figure out in the future and more new things to show once this existential crises washes over. 

Now I must, my responsibilities need me.

And here's what you missed, on Glee...

It's been a while since I've posted anything, basically anywhere. Being a college student does really drain the energy out of you (yes, even on weekends). I try to find something interesting that's happened over the past few days but apparently, aside from the series of emotional breakdowns I've had, I really got nothing. So let me sum everything up in bullets then.

• Our supposedly perfect schedule for the entire semester got messed up and now it's the worst schedule ever.
• I'm always tired, there isn't a single day that I was not tired.
• Thanks to this month's reminder that I'm a woman, I've been having the worst mood swings in the entire universe. And I would like to be rid of it as soon as I can.
• My appetite has gone down a new low. And I can barely finish my meal every single day.
• I've been reflecting a lot lately, so that's good (I guess).
• University sucks
• University sucks
• University sucks
• I'd like to leave and get out of this country. I want to get lost in a city where nobody knows me and just have a good time.
• I'm anticipating the trip to Singapore this September.
• Life sucks a lot.