A SERIES OF RANTS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE DESULTORY
My mind is rolling full-steam ahead, to the depths of bad thoughts that keep me from the feeling any form of exaltation. It seems as if my life is always this incomplete puzzle that keeps on changing ever so often. I try to find and place the pieces to where it belongs, but there's always this one tiny piece that keeps disappearing when I need it the most. The puzzle of a life alters into a different state and I start all over again.
I never stop. I just keep looking and looking for that certain puzzle, but it vanishes just before I get the chance to catch a glimpse of it.
Steadfast happiness.
Is there even such a thing? Whether there is or isn't, I'm trying to find it. Always hoping that maybe one day, when I wake up or after having my breakfast, I'd realise how much I deserve to feel so much appreciated by everyone around me and most importantly, myself. I hope one day, I'll wake up loving myself as much as I could, and to be able to think that I deserve better.
But for now, all there is to do is wait.
1) I can't stop thinking about what other people feel and think when the words just start to slip out of my mouth, when I spill my heart out and take a chance on them. Did they really want to take a chance on me? Or were they just feeling obliged to reciprocate my actions? There really isn't any reason for me not to try, be kind and enunciate friendship, unless I don't get one's vibe. But it seems like there are so many reasons for other people not to create some sort friendship with me. Not that I'm implying who's kinder and who's less kind.
It's just so hard for me to understand, and I swear to god I have a point here. It's just my thoughts aren't really in the most organised state as of now, everything is just everywhere. I'm going to get there somehow.
2) And it's not that I ask for empathy or sympathy, I just need to let it out. This form of inferiority that's running through my bones and very existence isn't exactly helping with me, expressing myself. Because I'm honestly scared, scared of everything ending on such short notice. I'm so scared of the fact that everything is and will always be temporary and half-true. But that's life, so I face it with my chin up and feet on the ground.
3) People aren't always going to like me. Not in all the ways I want them to. So I try, and try and try to depict this seemingly perfect version of me. And expected, I'd always fail and turn into this imperfect person with a lot of insecurities and a lot of wants in life with less goals. I never tell anyone this because they'd think I'm so two-faced bitch who doesn't deserve their time of day. Surely, I'm not.
I just always try to make it all easy for them (even if it means, making it hard for myself)
4) In my 17 years of living, no one else has ever told me to "just take it easy on myself" and that "it's okay not to put other people's sake before mine" but myself. But who listens to their own advice?
The cycle just repeats itself again. And I'm always just on the look-out for that one feeling, or thing, or place, or person that'll assure me that everything's going to be okay regardless of the inconstant world and life. At the time, I'm still doing it.
I'm still doing it.
I'm still putting other people first before me. I don't know if I'm doing everything right or even remotely okay. I just need a little guidance. An act of kindness would do.
I need someone who'll listen.